Twilight Princess: Screwed Up Story
by Shadow Commando
Summary: Do I need to say it? Just look at the title.


Link ran up to Hyrule Castle, banging two coconut halves together. After he dismounted his imaginary horse, he and Midna made it to the BIGASS barrier thingy over the castle.

Midna took out her fused shadows and put them on.

"What the- Who turned out the lights? That's it, I want my money back!" said Midna before being pointlessly thrown around, making pinball noises and finally going behind a big wall. Then emerged "CTHULU MIDNA."

Cthulu Midna glanced down at Link, "LET'S GET KINKY!"

Link sweat dropped.

A few moments of awkwardness followed, but then Midna jumped onto the giant bubble and reached into her pocket and took out her big stick and slammed it into the barrier, which shot up into the sky, and flew around making noises like a deflating balloon before landing exactly two inches away from the castle.

"What the hell was that?" asked Link, shocked.

"You like it? I call it: _BARRIER, TWO INCHES TO THE LEFT_!" exclaimed Cthulu Midna in a drunken tone. Then she hiccupped and belched loudly before falling back to the ground as an imp. Thankfully, Link caught her in time…and there was much rejoicing.

Link and Midna then ran into the courtyard where they were confronted by Kargaroks.

"WE'RE KOO KOO FOR COCOA PUFFS! GIVE US SOME DAMN COCOA PUFFS!" They screeched before diving at Link.

Link shot one with a bomb arrow, which turned around and hit the other kargarok (cuz Link is just that awesome!).

Next, he moved onto the other courtyard and was approached by a Bulbin.

"Snxfdtdyciydftxcxc8rx7xcxrx!" hissed the Bulbin. Link sent him flying with an uppercut to the chin.

Rocky Balboa music could be heard.

Another Bulbin on a tower spotted Link

"HA, WE HAVE SPOTTED YOU, HERO, NOW YOU SHALL FACE THE WRATH OF-" but before the Bulbin could finish, he was shot with an arrow since Link doesn't like hearing his victims make long State-of-The-Union Speeches.

Afterward, Link got onto a giant Boar.

"Goody, a coin operated horse!" said Midna as she took a swig of Jack Daniel's. "Now where is the (_hiccup_) coin slot on this thing…(_hiccup_)…ah, here it is. And with that, Midna stuck the quarter up the giant pig's ass and it made a noise like a dying cat before taking off down the castle's alley way.

"WHOA, STOP THIS THING!" screamed Link like a girl, hanging on for dear life.

"FUCK YOU, I brake for NO ONE!" countered Midna, who was having a hangover.

Pretty soon, the boar slammed into a wall and burst into flames. Link was thrown off of it, so he was unharmed. Midna, however, got flung into the opposite courtyard and found herself face to face with GASP another bulbin.

"!emiT epaR" It said, speaking vagineese as it smacked it's club against the palm of it's hand.

Midna picked him up with her hair fist and threw him at the wall, making a large crack with two small feet sticking out of it.

Meanwhile…

Link got all the keys and then found himself on a platform, face to face with King Bulbin (or KB for short) who burst through a wall.

"I'M GUNNA EAT YA! GET IN MAH BELLAY!" bellowed KB, charging at Link who jumped up and did a helm splitter. This had no effect on KB since we all know that's not where his brain is located. So Link went to Plan B and started chunking bacon at KB who backed up, making beeping noises like a dump truck. Blonde Boy Green then delivered a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to KB's stomach, and a low gurgling/rumbling noise was heard as KB released his secret weapon.

Silent but deadly.

"SMELL MAH POWER!" bellowed the fat one, grinning.

Link put on a gas mask and took out his lantern. The air around him ignited and a trail of flame went straight up KB's ass. KB screamed like a girl, grabbed his butt and jumped (yes, I know he's defying physics) over the castle wall.

Link got the last key, regrouped with Midna, and headed into the castle and then went out onto the stairs outside the castle where more kargaroks saw them.

"COCOA PUFFS!" They screeched gleefully while diving at Link.

Auru, who was down in the dumps, fired his bazooka at the big birds, but the rocket came back down on him.

"D'OH!"

Link killed the birdies and went back inside the castle. He took out his disc thingamajig and glided carefully up the stairs, the way a bowling ball wouldn't, and rode up to a door with a ridiculously huge lock on it. But that wasn't Link's only problem, there was also a giant, golden Darknut standing in front of the doorway.

Link was about to deliver the first blow when the Goldnut uttered the most profane word ever thought of in Hylian history: "**Ni!**" (Hylians aren't very imaginative)

"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?" screamed Link, unable to believe what he was hearing.

"We are the Knights who say 'Ni!'" replied the Goldnut, proudly.

"No, it can't be. Anything but **THAT**!" said Link in a really freaky voice.

"Ni! Ni! Ni!" babbled the Goldnut.

"No, stop, I'll do anything you say!" begged Link.

"Very well, then. Go to the Faron Woods...and there, you must cut down the Deku tree…wiiiiiith…a herring (holds up a fish)!"

"We'll do no such thing!" countered Midna.

"Oh please," replied the Goldnut.

"Why would we do that? It makes no sense," continued Midna.

"AHH, SHE SAID "_IT_!" OH MY GOD, NOW I JUST SAID "_IT_!" AHH I SAID IT AGAIN! AHH I SAID IT AGAIN!" screamed the Goldnut, running around in circles, waving his arms around frantically. Then he exploded into ashes and Link and Midna continued on their quest. The quest to get to the throne room!

(Monty Python and the Holy Grail music)

Link ran up the stairs, clapping two coconut halves together, and cautiously entered the throne room that was now a shadow of it's former beauty. Inside were broken statues, dead bodies, and nude pictures!

As Link approached the throne, he glanced at the previously unknown wall in front of him and gasped dramatically. There, pinned against the wall, several feet above the throne, along with the TP game designers, was Princess Zelda, all of them staring off into space, neither living nor dead (which is what happens when you smoke too much weed).

"Look it's Zelda!" said Link.

(SLAP)

"I'm an assist character. Restating the obvious is my job!" replied Midna angrily.

"Okey dokey," said Link. But before he could run up to the throne and attempt to get Zelda and the Nintendo programmers into rehab, he was stopped by Midna, and it didn't take him long to figure out why. There ON the throne was the drug lord himself: Ganondorf.

Ignoring this, Midna dramatically stared him down for a moment before speaking up. "Ganondorf!"

(insert scary music)

"Midna!"

"Ganondorf!"

"Midna!"

"Ganondorf!"

"Spongebob!"

(Awkward silence)

"You must give back the throne, it was never yours to begin with!" continued Midna.

"Yeah, but five ninths of the supreme court voted me in, so Na! Na! Na!" countered Ganondorf.

"At least I don't polish my finger nails!" retorted Midna.

"(GASP) You take that back!" Demanded the Gerudo king, knowing his secret was out.

"Finger nails! Finger nails! Finger nails!" taunted Midna.

Ganondorf became so angry that he exploded into little pieces of shit that flew up into the air and straight into Zelda (this would explain a lot).

"HEY GET OUT OF ZELDA!" Screamed Midna

"That's what _she_ said!" Laughed link.

The imp flew up to Zelda and started to tell her knock knock jokes, but the only response she got was one of the meanest stares ever by Zelda. However, since looks can't kill, it only sent Midna flying out the BIGASS doors.

Upon seeing this, Link charged after his girlfriend, only to find a huge firewall blocking his path (cuz simply closing said doors would have been too difficult). A noise caused him to turn around to see Zelda glaring daggers at him.

"Rar, I am Michelle Obama of the Five Sun Tribe, prepare to get dead!" said Zelda, lifting several feet into the air.

"Whoa, you can fly?" asked Link.

"Oh yeah, I have that kind of money," replied Zelda as she charged up a giant fireball and flung it at Link.

"KAMEHAMEHA!"

"Pretty Lights…." said Link before he got zapped.

"BZABZLGAGAGOOGOOPOOPOO!" (say that as fast as you can, out loud)

After he recovered…

"Oh no you didn't!" said Link, taking out his fishing rod and catching Zelda and flinging her out the window with it.

Zelda fell toward the courtyard.

Zelda: JERONIMOOOOOOOOOO!

Ganondorf: JERONIMOOOOOOOOOO!

Jeronimo: MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

A minute later, Zelda landed on her butt, then got up and raised her fist into the air and declared "If I cannot have Link, NO ONE WILL!"

"Wouldn't it be easier to make Midna go back to her own world while you take Link for yourself?" asked a drugged out Nintendo Programmer..

"Good idea! Random guard #76, write that down!" replied Zelda.

(Back in the throne room)

Link and Midna are busy "sharing their love" when meanie greenie made his appearance in the doorway.

"AHEM!"

Midna was the first to notice him.

"Ganondorf!"

"Midna!"

"Ganondorf!"

"Mid-ARGH! Enough of these childish games, you are so deceased!" said Ganondorf with a weird look in his eyes (more than usual).

He then transformed into Monkey-Sumo-Hot-Sauce-Fergaliscious-Chewbaca. AKA Ganon, and stared Link down before opening his mouth and letting his full power loose.

(_BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRP_) (That was a good one!)

Realizing that the end was near, and that she had to finish the cutscene, Midna prepared to warp Link out, along with Zelda who had reappeared next to the throne.

Seeing what Midna was about to do, Link went into emo form and tried to stop Midna.

(slow-motion) "MIIIIIIIIIIIIDNAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOO." and he would've stopped her had he been running the right way, but instead, he ran into a wall and gave himself a bump that raised his hat a few inches above his head. He was then warped out.

"Crunchitize me, cap'n!" said Zelda, and Midna warped her out, too.

"Now it's just you and me, you miserable midget," laughed Ganon.

"WHAT'D YOU CALL ME, BABY KONG?" Roared Midna as she turned back into her spider form, took out her big schtick, and blew up Danongorf reel gewd.

(Hyrule Field)

Link and Zelda appeared on Hyrule Field (duh) and watched as Hyrule Castle exploded.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(deep breath)OOOOOOOOOOOOOO! all my oiled rags and haystacks burned to a crisp, how could this have happened?" shouted Zelda.

"Beats me, hope you switched over to Geico," shrugged Link.

In the smoke billowing at the top of the hill was none other than Ganondorf!

(Insert more scary music) (the real bad guys get extra scary music)

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. But that wasn't what surprised Link, it was what he held in his hand that shocked him: Midna's helmet!

Ganondorf unleashed his war cry and ran down the hill, clapping two coconut halves together, followed by the entire gang of Fat Albert.

"Dude, where's my horse?" asked Link.

Zelda disappeared, then reappeared, dressed as a wizrobe and said "BY THE POWER OF ECKYPOOPOONARNARDYDOOOO! I SUMMON THEEE!" 10 seconds went by and nothing happened, so Link took out his horse call and blew into it and Epona came running up to him.

"See, I'm powerful!" exclaimed Zelda.

"n00b!1!" said Link, who took out his two coconut halves and clapped them together as he ran toward Ganondorf.

"Umm…Link?" said Zelda.

"WHAT?" he yelled, irritated.

"The horse!" replied Zelda, pointing to Epona.

"…I knew that." Said Link as he mounted his faithful steed.

Zelda followed suite and reached into her back pocket, pulled out her light arrows, and took aim at Ganondorf.

"TAKE THIS, CUPID!" she shouted, and let the arrow fly.

It missed.

"Seriously," said Link, "Couldn't those retarded Nintendo programmers do a better job of, I don't know…**programming?!** Maybe so that Zelda has better aim?"

"**DO NOT INSULT THE HOLY NINTENDO PROGRAMMERS, THEY ARE VERY SACRED AND…**erm…**HOLY**!" said Zelda, turning to a shrine labeled _Shrine for the Holy Nintendo Programmers_.

Ganondorf just laughed at them and charged forward, but so did Link.

Link was a few inches away from the Gerudo king when he (Ganondorf, not Link) took a right turn and Link completely missed him. Although he did manage to run into Fat Albert and his friends, who knocked him off Epona and onto his butt. Yet, for some odd reason, Zelda was still on Epona and unscathed.

"Now I know this game was made by girls." Muttered Link angrily as he got back onto Epona and resumed the chase.

By now, Link was right behind Ganondorf and Zelda loaded another light arrow and fired.

It missed.

Link felt like screaming but Midna had taught him to be patient, so he decided to give Zelda another chance (at shooting Ganondorf), so she loaded another light arrow, took careful aim, and let it fly.

It missed.

(**Spongebob Narrator: Three hours later**)

Zelda fired and hit Ganondorf's horse and Ganondorf swayed back and forth as his horse deflated, making more balloon noises while letting out a cloud of helium as Ganondorf fell off.

Ganondorf got back up and did his evil laugh that he stole from Oprah, but in a very high pitched voice thanks to said helium.

"Would you hear my desire to take this bigass pencil and use it to erase the big shiny light in the sky?"

"You mean the sun?" asked Link.

"So THAT's what it's called" replied the ever observant Gerudo.

Another firewall encircled the two combatants and Ganondorf unleashed his secret weapon: Yo momma's so fat, she bungie jumped off a bridge and went straight to hell.  
Link: Yo momma's so fat, she brought the bridge down with her.  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!  
Link: Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, every time someone says "Kool Aid" she busts through the wall.  
Link: Yo momma so fat, Jabba the Hutt said "DAAAAYUUUUUM!"  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!"  
Link: Yo momma's so fat that she sat on a rainbow and got Skittles.  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, she eats wheat thicks.  
Link: Yo momma so fat, when she walks around Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.  
Link: Yo momma so fat, that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass!  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, she fell in love and broke it.  
Link: Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says "Okay!"  
Link: Yo momma so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!  
Link: Yo momma so fat, that when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.  
Link: Yo momma so fat, the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!  
Ganondorf: Yo momma so fat, she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!  
Link: Yo momma so fat, we in her right now.

Getting impatient, Zelda politely asked "Can we get back on topic now?"

Upon hearing this, Ganondorf roared "**WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER**?"

"How do you do that?" asked Zelda.

"Do what?" asked Danongorf.

"Speak in all capitals?" Replied Zelda

"FUCK YOU! THAT'S HOW!" shouted Ganondork.

Reaching the end of his rope with this idiot, Link unsheathed his Sword and shield.

Upon seeing this, Ganondorf spoke "You have the blade, and I see your _schwartz_ is as big as mine…now let's see how well you _handle_ it. And with that they both charged with their swords raised, however, they both tripped over the words _**Ganondorf, King of Evil**_. They got back up and charged again and their blades met…**AND GOT TANGLED UP!**

"Shit! I hate it when my schwartz gets twisted! Maybe if I put my leg on yours, like that, yep and…okay…go." said Ganondorf as he and Link pulled their swords apart.

Again they charged at each other and this time, their blades met and didn't get entangled. Instead, they became locked, putting on a pretty light show that would have made George Lucas piss himself. However, neither could overpower the other, so they finally separated. Link just stood there and laughed at Ganondorf who stabbed him in retaliation. But because this game is so poorly programmed, Link didn't die, he just flew back a few feet. He picked himself up and sprinted at Ganondorf who held him in place by putting his hand on Link's head while he swung uselessly at Ganondorf's feet. The Gerudo finally let him go and he ran into the firewall.

Ganondorf decided that it would be a good idea to charge at Link, again, and lunged forward, ready to strike down Link who simply dropped, rolled around behind Ganondorf, jumped up, and sliced his arm off.

"It's just a flesh wound!" said Ganondorf, seeing his arm on the ground.

Luckily for Ganondorf, it was the arm he wasn't using, so he could still fight. Luckily for Link, he only had to repeat the same process of stop-drop-and-roll one more time to take off Ganondorf's other arm.

"Okay, now I've _disarmed_ you (yeah that was lame), so just give it up!" demanded Link. His only reply was getting kicked in his joy department.

A moment later, Link regained his senses and, with a mighty swing, hacked off Ganondorf's leg. "NOW I've beaten you!" he said angrily.

"No you haven't, I can still kick y-" but before Ganondorf could finish, Link took his other leg off with a mortal draw, leaving just a torso with a head.

Ganondorf looked down at both his arms and legs.

"Wanna call it a draw?" asked Link mockingly.

"HELL NO, I CAN STILL BITE YOU!" roared the not-so-brilliant Gerudo.

I need not explain what Link did next.

At long last, Ganondorf was dead. Link had won the Sword fight, the Yomamma fight, and the Lottery, but he was still upset about Midna leaving him.

"Hey tyga, now it's just you and me," said Zelda in a sexy voice that made Link want to vomit.

"Oh no you didn't!" he replied, running away from Zelda (**REJECTION!** :D).

Link ran as fast as he could until he was at the top of the hill, and then noticed a cloaked figure on the ground. As he approached it, the figure rose and turned around, revealing Midna in her human form.

"What? Say something. Am I so beautiful that you have no words left?" asked Midna.

"Giggity!" said Link, the 00 look on his face.

"Oh, you _do_ have words left," said Midna, disappointed.

After some hugging, kissing, crying and some R rated stuff that I couldn't put in because this is a PG-13 fiction, Link, Midna, and Zelda were at the mirror chamber.

"How the hell did we get here?" asked Zelda in confusion.

"Plot convenience!" replied Shadow Commando, who came out of nowhere.

Turning to her lover (Link, not SC), Midna just couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth, of how she felt for him, or of what she had to do now. As much as she wanted to take him with her to be her prince and live with her, it just didn't feel right taking him away from his family and friends who he would never be able to see again if he went with her since she'd have to destroy the mirror to prevent those senile retards known as sages from sending someone like Ganondorf into the Twilight again. Or worse: Tingle (even more scary music), so she decided to go it alone.

"Link I…(GASP) WHAT'S THAT (points in a random direction)?" and with that, she turned around and leapt into the portal.

Zelda turned around to see what Midna was talking about while Link stared at the portal, too shocked to move.

_'That's it, I can't take it, anymore!'_ thought SC as he charged up the stairs and kicked Link in the ass SO hard, that he flew into the portal behind Midna, right before it closed.

Zelda turned around to see, not Link, but a big black rock in his place.

"OH MY GOD, HE TURNED INTO A ROCK!"

And there was much rejoicing. :D

**I hope I did good for my first fiction. Review or smell my power. :)**


End file.
